Ethan

I return to my HQ while Zek’lor gets to eat and drink what it wants, the big beetle seems still scared shirtless by my drones so I think I will give it time to adapt in the old factory with the guards there.
I don’t have trouble finding Lemela, as she is awaiting me right at the stairs, so she’s that eager to give me an earful huh?
-Ethan, finally. I saw. I must admit that I am very concerned about our present situation. You've shared your memories with me, I saw them as if they were my own. You can see mine the same way I assume. It's a vulnerability I'm not used to, and it bothers me very much.-
She pauses looking at me and I sigh.
-If it’s worth anything I shared it so you know too. I wanted you to understand my past, where I come from, and the challenges I faced when I woke up here. It was meant to create trust between us.-
She makes a complicated cat-like expression that Virgil hints at being conflicted.
-I don’t know how to tell you this Ethan.- She pauses fidgeting - It's just that your existence is a troubling mystery.-
-Well I’m here, I can’t be that bad of a deal- I try to joke but she doesn’t find it funny.
-Look the discovery of FTL technology by humans occurred approximately eight hundred standard years ago. Your memory does not correspond to how humanity was at the time.-
I scratch the metal slate that covers my head out of habit.
-That’s how much in human years?-
“79 5 human years. Error! Data mismatch. Data from creators suggest an earlier occurrence in earth’s year 2063, approximately forty years after the last human timestamp you recorded.”
I make a mental note reminding Vigil that we agreed on the data from its creators was a possible steaming pile of crap.
I also make a gesture to stop Lemela from telling me, I don’t need to know I’m out of my time.
-Look I know that I am way out of my time here, but what’s the big deal?-
Lemela sighs clearly frustrated by my inability to comprehend.
-First: Cryogenics alone could not keep a body alive for such an extended period of time. The nanites responsible for healing your tissues defy logic.
Second: You are merged with an IA, The only one I know extinguished all life in the next galaxy over!
Third and most important: You just don’t give such things to Pre-FTL species! It’s like giving a kid a weapon of mass destruction to play with!-
She gives me the stink eye again and I speak.
-You know I don’t have the answers on nanites if you want I can have Virgil get you up to speed on them with all the data it has. Virgil is the IA, and while it’s a bit of a devil on the shoulder, I doubt it will conquer the galaxy on my watch. I’m human remember, Earth is somewhere out there. So your people made themselves a prime directive of sorts?-
Lemela gives me a bit of a stink eye before answering, she didn’t like the chuckle one bit I believe.
-No, I wouldn’t understand technology on that level. I can only hope you can contain that monstrosity. And we aren’t in Star Trek here!-
She frowns clearly asking herself how she knows the show I referenced, but I chuckle.
-Welcome to Earth’s science fiction corner, or how we imagined our venture into space back when we didn’t know any better. If we do know better now. Anyway, that’s the hand I was dealt, Lemela, I can only hope to be able to use it-

Lemela

The Versel still finds this all too complex to elaborate, and on such short notice.With new memories, and new experiences flowing, daily life on a death world like Earth is strangely more normal than it sounded when experienced firsthand.
She sighs looking at the abomination in front of her, Ethan, before speaking.
-How… do you manage to cope with all of this?-
Ethan caressed the metal plate he had hiding what was left of his face with his still fleshy hand before answering.
-Training, focusing on things I can solve rather than on things I can’t deal with or solve.
You know my training now. That’s the life of a U.S. Navy seal. The easy part was yesterday.
You know how I dealt with what I had to do and to see. With what happened to me.
If you allow me I will show you how to apply it to your case. It won’t be easy. It won’t go away. It won’t be the same. Never. But it will be your path. You will stumble. You will fall. And if you allow it I will be here.-
She sighed, it wasn’t that easy, but the human didn’t even pretend it would be, so what she was supposed to do?
-I just don’t know Ethan.- The human offered his hand to her. -We will figure it out Lemela. You need to help me figure out this modern stuff, those alien races. I freed a slave down there, so I will need to figure out with you how to deal with him or her.-
Lemela could only nod, to Ethan each species of alien was a first-contact situation after all.
-So that’s what this was about. I will help you to stay on the right path of technology. So what specie is the slave?-
- A Nolthoran.- The human replied. -Name is Zek’lor. For now, Zeklor is under watch and probation, the first sign of trouble I want to know.-
Lemela sighed, that was something she feared. -I assume you don’t trust this Zek’lor.-
The human confirmed her suspicion with a clear gesture. -I see. I will go talk to Zek’lor. What will you do?-
Ethan then assumed a more serious attitude, straightening his posture, and said.
-I will interrogate our last guest, depending on how this goes we may begin a war.-
Her fur would’ve stood on end if it was still natural, a human belonging to the warrior caste was actually saying he was gonna wage war. Humans as a specie were universally deemed crazy loons, there was too much variance between individuals to establish a baseline for the specie as a whole.
This human, in particular; Lemela knew him now, and a declaration of war from him meant business.
The worst part was there wasn’t much she could say to him he didn’t already know.
-How many of those zombies drone do you plan to have when this is over?-
Ethan sighed understanding her question perfectly.
-Lemela, I appreciate your concern. I don't think I can answer that question. I know some may want to join us in the collective voluntarily. I … still haven’t decided. What I know is that I'll use asymmetrical tactics, focusing on strategic objectives while minimizing unnecessary killing.
Hopefully, I will manage to stir an uprising. How many will die as that happens I don't know. I can control my actions and that's all I can promise. All I know it's that there's a steep price for freedom. In the end, it all depends on our last guest. The Krynnak was well protected by all others and attempted to flee. This tells me he should not be military, not the kind of our resident Li’thirwisz -
-The li’tjwisz belongs to a warrior caste?- She asks interrupting Ethan.
-I understand your people have a caste system in place, you belong to the navigator caste, right? -
She frowns, there’s no such caste and he should know it, still, she corrects him.
-I am from the scientist caste, you should know that Ethan.-
-I know- He replied -I know also that navigation is not really something a scientist does, even if I understand it involves a lot of science. What I mean to say is you should try to pinpoint what an individual actually does rather than pinning a hat and be done with it.-
She could only nod and Ethan started walking past her.
-I need your full discretion, your ability to tell black from white, and all the colors that fall within. With Zek’lor, with all the future encounters with people down here and with my plans. Especially with me and my plans. If I do too outlandish things let me know.-
Lemela frowned -Ethan, your people do outlandish things by definition. I mean they even threw an asteroid at an enemy warship destroying it!-
Ethan chuckled -well let me know regardless, at least I will have a good laugh.-

Ethan

As I proceed through the lab and the sewer the marvelous chime of Virgils pings me again.
“Query: Please define the devil on the shoulder analogy.”
-That’s because you always offer me the easy option.- I reply -It’s not inherently wrong mind you Virgil, but it can lead to bigger issues along the way.-
“Query: please elaborate. Functional explanation.”
I chuckle a little at the machine mimicking me.
-Well you’re taking some pages from my book now, aren’t you? Fine, fine. It’s simple really, take the instance of Zek’lor and Xalrak ok? You suggested integration for both. We would know all the information Xalrak and Zek’lor know right?-
Virgil acknowledges my reasoning
-I don’t know about Zek’lor yet, but Xalrak? Xalrak would have definitely found a way to damage the collective.-
“You are stating a factual impossibility”
-Am I? Do you think that scratching a wall will damage this collective?-
Virgil negates this notion.
-Still, it could. Xalrak is military. There are countless signs I could use to alert my fellow marines of my presence. One of those in the wrong place, and the group Xalrak is part of would be on our ass. And there are hundreds of tricks like that.-
“Acknowledged. Should we terminate Xalrak?”
-See? Easy option again, killing would solve the issues but would deny the possibility to flip Xalrak which would be more beneficial in the long run.-
“Still you expect betrayal in this alternative you propose. Why would you do that?”
-Hope for the best, prepare for the worst Virgil. Now shush, I need to concentrate on this one.-
I pass the vigil and climb the stairs to enter the room and look at the Krynnak, it shudders at my presence. Good.
-Alright, let's get started. What is your name?-
The Krynnak, with what I could call a cautious expression, responds.
-Names don't mean much in my line of work, but you can call me Vexx.-
Not really good, but not bad as a beginning.
-Well, at least I know how to call you outside the name of your specie, Vexx. So, do you know where you are?-
-I know exactly where I am. This is the belly of Taboo, under City 29 a treacherous place ruled by Dexton’s dogs.-
I smile under the plate of metal that hides my face. Let's see how Vexx reacts to a little theatre.
-Well I don't see any of those famed Dexton's dogs you speak of, do I?-
Vexx glances around nervously and looks at the various blinking lights before lowering the tone of its voice.
-They may not be present right now, yet their presence can be felt everywhere. Trust me, they're always on the lookout for anyone who steps out of line.-
Well if they can make some random lizard this paranoid they either mean business or have a better grasp on the populace than I anticipated.
-And I'll be prepared to meet them. So, what were you doing in such an area? You appear to fear those Dexton’s Dogs a lot.-
Vexx shifts uncomfortably and appears to choose the words spoken carefully
-... I was just doing my job, you know? Taking care of the... the operations. Moving things, ensuring the processes run smoothly. It's not an easy task, but someone's gotta do it.-
-The operation, yeah- I hate people when they are vague -the famous operation.- I continue -That operation where you were turning dead bodies into food.- I cut the chase on a lower note -I get it, this planet ain’t natural but are you so desperate for food you have to rely on that method?-
Vexx recoils a bit, in front of my serious tone then its eyes dart around nervously before responding.
-Look, we don't have a lot of options here. The processed bodies... it's a method of survival-
I get the feeling this one ain’t telling me the whole story, it feels slimy; I mean first down here there are also beasts, why not hunt them?
But I want to go another route to see where it leads first, besides Vexx doesn’t show the telltale signs of Lemela or Zek’lor so at least I guess Vexx isn’t in the same position.
-You could always trade with other planets, I mean, ain't commerce a thing in the galaxy anymore?-
Vexx's reptilian eyes narrow, is that sincere frustration I see?
-It's not that simple. Taboo got this name from humans because it is now a forbidden planet, isolated from most interstellar trade routes they hold.
The risks involved in transporting goods in and out of this place are tremendous.
Dexton's dogs are one of them. Sure they offer protection, the kind of protection you have to pay for. Basically, you either trade with them, involve them somehow, or well… things happen.
Bad things, you will see. Look, it’s a matter of survival, even if it means resorting to unconventional methods. You must have slept long here, machine of the old empire-
I let the comment of the machine slide, I am not a machine but it doesn’t hurt that Vexx believes my cognitive functions are restricted by programming.
No offense intended, Virgil.
The thing that irks me is the indirect threat Vexx just used.
-I get it, Vexx. So just for reference, other than these pirates and me, what other threats are down here?-
Vexx's scaled face contorts with a mix of fear and apprehension when I qualify myself as a threat.
-There are creatures, monstrous and vicious, that inhabit the depths of Taboo. They are unlike anything you've ever seen.
Ferocious beasts that prey on anything they come across. We've lost many of our own to their relentless attacks.
It's a constant battle for survival down here.
That’s why if and when you go down you usually have to bargain for Dexton’s services.
There are times when the opposite happens. When things do stop working for those above usually.-
Interesting side comment here, those above where? I don’t want to follow Vexx’s lead in this conversation for now but I make a mental note that there must be above-surface levels to this mechanical planet.
I have a more interesting pattern to test Vexx reactions upon.
-Creatures like the Brahumthraks? They are still beasts in narrow passageways, with the weaponry you have shown, you wouldn't have issues hunting those for food right?-
Vexx's eyes widen at the mention of the Brahumthraks, the alien lizard gulps audibly before speaking.
-The Brahumthraks... the tunnel stalkers... There are worse things down here. True enough, their meat might provide sustenance, but hunting them is an incredibly risky endeavor. Their agility and strength make them formidable opponents. Dexton doesn’t lend his mercenaries to hunt them down. The risks just outweigh the rewards.-
Now let’s see if I can use Vexx for my plans.
-What if someone hunted those for you? Do you think you could establish a market for proper meat?-
Vexx's eyes widen and I believe for a moment that those sleek pupils became dollar signs.
-If someone were to hunt the Brahumthraks and other things down here and provide a steady supply of their meat, it could indeed open up new possibilities. The market for proper meat, untainted by the reprocessing methods, would be highly sought after. Especially by those that live in the upper layers of the city.-
Vexx’s enthusiasm suddenly drops as does the posture it kept until now.
-Dexton would surely try and have a cut of the profits anyway. You can never be safe here. Alluring as this is the challenges are too much.-
I decide to give Vexx a little nudge rather than resorting to playing punching ball with his or her snout for trying to be a smartass.
Does Vexx things I am an idiot? If this big crocodile can afford an armed escort it means that some kind of sanctioned activity on the surface carries Vexx’s name, and given what this one was doing, I believe to know what it is.
- That is ...unfortunate. If only somebody here knew anybody who sold meat on the surface...-
Vexx raises a scaly eyebrow, maybe I put too much sass in that and I blew my cover as a machine; in the end, Vexx appears intrigued by my statement.
- Let’s say I know a business on the surface? What then?-
Vexx leans in closer, his reptilian features revealing a mix of curiosity and suspicion.
-If you truly can offer me a steady supply of meat, then we might have something to discuss.-
Vexx cautiously looks around the room, ensuring no one else is listening, eyes fixed on the blinking lights when continuing.
-Let's be clear, my survival is absolutely necessary here. If you can guarantee I will remain alive we can go and discuss a potential partnership for you. Until then, forgive me if I remain skeptical. And what of my slaves?-
No Virgil, don’t even ask, there’s no way I will ever make this one a part of the collective. Not even if Vexx begs for it, or is dying.
“Query: incompatibility of thoughts process involved?”
Long story short: yes. Look I will gladly explain another time, but I mean look Vexx is just too greedy and self-centered.
I need to drive another thing into this dirty lizard skull.
-I ordered the death of all those who were with you. So tell me, why should I trust you and keep you in the first place Vexx?-
I notice a flicker in Vexx's eyes as my words resound in the room.
Vexx takes a step back, his demeanor shifting to a mixture of defensiveness and desperation.
-You... you intend to kill me?- Vexx stammers, his voice betraying the fear it must be feeling.
-Listen… please… I… I can do what you want. Look I can sell the meat you provide! I won’t make a question! Please… just please don’t kill me! I have a wife! I have eggs to attend to!-
That's better, even though I think he's exaggerating to appeal to my pity, does he think I have emotions as a machine?
I cross my arms and motion to Vexx to continue.
Anyway, it appears I won't have to flip a coin on this one; I'll presume Vexx is male because it's more likely than the alternative.
I mean he would lie about the partnership, but the lie has to be fluent and believable, and if humanity's standards hold for aliens too I only have about a 30% chance of being wrong.
I focus on Vexx as he takes a long breath, attempting to calm himself.
-I can prove to you that you can trust me and my capabilities. Just protect me from Dexton's dogs. And don’t kill me. Please.-
Vexx's eyes still dart around, looking at the blinking light on the old instruments in the lab.
I don’t really like people who can’t lock eyes with others, and I don't trust them, but Vexx seems genuinely scared of the technology down here.
Virgil, did you encounter signs of wiretapping when you inhabited the network of your creators?
"The creators had an external connection to order bodies, Ethan"
Not really what I wanted to know, but well I need to concentrate on another thing right now.
-The things that slaughtered your people are at my beck and call. You will be protected of course, by the beings I command. Needless to say, any signs of betrayal and you will die.-
Vexx's reptilian eyes widen in a mixture of astonishment and fear as he comprehends the weight of my words.
He swallows hard, his throat visibly constricting.
It’s not like he didn’t know, he saw me after all, his gaze flickers between me and the passage I came from.
Don’t run. It’s a bad idea pal. I could capture you amid a battle, now you’re just target practice.
Vexx chose to be smart and stay,
- It seems I have no choice but to join you.- Vexx says, his voice laced with resignation.
-Not really, you can be my guest in this room until you die.-
I reply earning a stink glare from Vexx, surprisingly he extends one of his four, scaled hands; cautiously offering a handshake. Weird.
Virgil, is a handshake a universal gesture?
“According to the data in my network and Lemela’s memories, it is a gesture limited to humans and those who traded with them directly. Warning! Data mismatch. Trade in this region should be limited according to Vexx’s information”
I don’t know Virgil, people lie by telling the truth sometimes. I wouldn’t rule out there are human criminals on the planet.
I shake the pawed hand with my mechanical hand since he offered me one of his right appendages.
-We have a deal. You will remain here in this cell for now. You will be provided with food and water. When I have enough meat to trade I will send you on an escorted trip to the surface and I will expect you to keep your end of the bargain.-
But you won’t get anywhere near my base, and I will blindfold you for good measure. I will need to find an alternative route to the surface.
Vexx nods, his reptilian features displaying a mix of relief and apprehension. He understands the situation he is in and at least.
-I will await your signal- He replies, I think there is a blend of gratitude and cautious optimism in his voice. - I will not disappoint you. I am prepared to fulfill my end of the bargain.-
With that, I simply leave Vexx in his cell, I will test this new alliance soon.
The path to change will be treacherous, but if Vexx values life and profit like I believe he does, perhaps there is a path for a new beginning.
I will not count my chickens before they hatch, I need multiple venues for this to work, a planet is a big place after all.
Why do bad guys talk about world domination like it’s an easy venture?!
[First] [Previous] [WIP]

FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
As a small interlude, here have ONE chapter of what Krill and Sunny where up to when Adam was gone.
Note to self: write more stories what they did in the months Adam was gone later.
Previous First [Next](link)
Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
"My family has lived in these mountains for more than three thousand years."
"How can you be sure of that?”
"Because we have records going back two thousand years and then records of my family's tribe before that. For that reason, no one knows these mountains better than I do, and even then, I still don't know everything there is to know. Every time I go out in the woods, I feel something new."
Krill glanced over at Sunny.
If he could raise an eyebrow he would have.
Of all the places they could go on their weekend, and she had decided to go on a guided hike. This would be just like something Adam would do.
He thought of all the people he wouldn't have to remind Sunny how dangerous Earth forests were with their trees, and animals, and poisonous plants, and, well, pretty much everything.
"Don't give me that look, Krill. You know if Adam was here, he would take us out to do the same thing, and you needed to quit moping anyway. He's going to be back soon."
Krill crossed his arms emphatically,
"I am not moping."
"You are too moping, and it's honestly kind of pathetic. You get all cranky when Adam isn't around."
”Fuck you!”
”Why are you so aggressive? Don’t worry, Adam will be fine! Why do you worry so much?”
"That's because I worry about his health and safety."
"He's a grown man."
"He's a man child."
”Awww is momma Krill missing his little Adam?”
”Fuck you too… Also you know I’m right about that.”
”I didn’t say you weren’t.”
Krill sighed and turned back to look at their guide who was staring on in mild amusement.
This human had dark tan skin, deep brown eyes and long dark hair pulled back from his face. He wore a green ranger's uniform, but she knew for a fact he was off duty,
"We're ready."
He smiled, and motioned them to follow him.
Krill held onto Sunny's shoulder as they followed the human into the woods.
"Aren't we going to take a trail?"
"You don't need a trail when you have me."
"I definitely think a trail would-…"
"Is your mind ever still my alien friend?"
Sunny shook her head,
"No, never, not even a little bit."
"Well try. I can't show you anything if you don't also listen."
"Now that just makes no sense!”
Sunny huffed and the ranger sighed,
"There is more in these woods to hear, that there is to see. The wind leaves the animals."
They passed over soggy earth and into a meadow filled with bright wildflowers. Krill was about to ask another question, but the ranger held up a hand despite not looking at him,
"Shhh, just listen, to the silence."
Krill turned to glower at Sunny, and she smirked at him, but he angrily did as told, focusing away from his eyes and towards his ears. He could hear the wind in the trees, the distant chirp of birds, rustling in the underbrush, their feet as it moved over packed earth.
In the silence there was also a strange rushing. A sort of white noise that you expect to find at the ocean but comes from deep within the mountains.
He watched their new human friend from the corner of his eye as it led them deeper into the mountains. For all Krill knew this creature could be more interested in killing them and eating them.
How did Sunny even know him?
With his usual paranoia, Krill continued to watch as the green clad human lead them through patches of shadow, over rocks and through little mountain gullies. He used no trail, but it seemed as if all of his senses were alive, following something into the forest. He used his hands to trace over rough packed dirt. He scanned his eyes through the underbrush and lifted his head eyes closed allowing little gusts of air to sweep hair about his face.
He listened, and occasionally, Krill thought he saw the human smelling at the air.
And as they went, they were led deeper and deeper into the forest, Krill had to admit that there was something peaceful about it, almost surreal, like being removed from one's own head and being surrounded by the quiet.
A couple of times, he thought he saw the human smiling over his shoulder at him.
They had made it a good hour or two into the woods when they broke into a nearby clearing. Sunny was about to step out with him, but right at the edge of the treeline, she was stopped by the human, who had pulled back into the shadows.
Sunny blinked and looked around.
Krill did as well.
The ranger shook his head.
Krill looked over Sunny's shoulder, but in the clearing, he saw nothing, nothing except for a strangely geometric circle of wildflowers, in the middle of which there was nothing but a barren patch of dirt.
That was strange, there seemed to be nothing growing inside that circle.
"We go around."
The man muttered.
"Why?"
"Because, we don't want to trespass."
"Trespass on what exactly?"
Krill found himself whispering.
"Well, the fey, of course!"
The human smiled at him, and he wasn't entirely sure if the creature was pulling his leg or not.
"What are the fey?"
The human smiled again, slowly motioning him to follow as he led them around the open circle,
"The fey or fairies, are a group of mystical creatures known to make mischief. Most of the time if you trespass on their land, you forfeit your rights as human, and the laws of the fey world become absolute. If you take anything from a fey, you are immediately required to stay with them for the rest of eternity. There are many rules governing the world of the fey, so it is best just to avoid them."
Krill snorted,
"Ah yes... fairies."
"You laugh, but through all these years as a ranger, I have seen things I cannot explain."
"Like what."
"Like the time someone went missing in the forest. He was lost on a relatively well traveled hiking trail. We didn't find him for over six months. The search party was called off after those first few weeks. Six months later I am hiking in an unrelated part of the forest forty miles away in the other side of a mountain, and I find this man's decomposing corpse hanging from a forty-foot tall tree, with impact wounds that looked like he had been dropped from a great height. There were no cliffs in the area, and it appeared as if the man had died one month earlier."
Krill frowned. The math on that didn't particularly add up.
"Then a year ago we went looking for a missing child. His parents turned around for five seconds and when they turned back, he was gone. I found his body forty feet up a sheer cliff-face, stuffed into a crevice five months later. He had been dead only two hours, and was wearing the same clothes he had been lost in."
Sunny's eyes widened and Krill snorted.
He was expected to believe that?
The ranger waved at him.
"Say what you will, but the forest is a dangerous and unusual place if you don't know how to respect her."
"Would you say you are superstitious then?"
"Very. Look, I can't explain everything in the world, and I have no desire to do so. I see no harm in giving things the respect they deserve even if, later, it turns out I was wrong."
The human was not particularly kidding about him being superstitious. More than a few times, he leads them around strange objects or formations. There was at one point, a time when they were heading towards another low gully in the middle of the woods, and all of a sudden, their entire party grew very uneasy.
The woods seemed darker to Krill than they had before.
But he shook it off.
Sunny seemed to be behaving similarly.
But the ranger, he looked downright terrified, grabbed the two of them by the arm and pulled them away quick time, setting them to a low jog in the opposite direction.
Sunny and Krill stared at him in confusion not entirely sure what to make of it.
"What was that all about?”
The human just shook his head.
"We were not welcome!"
"From what!?”
"Does it matter? When you are not welcome somewhere, you do not question it."
"What are you worried about, angering the wendigo?"
It was at that moment that Krill was pretty sure he had made a huge mistake, as the human maniacally sprinted at him like a madman, grabbed him and had a hand pressed over his mouth in under a millisecond flat. Even Sunny looked shocked.
"We do NOT joke about those kind of things here!!!"
He let Krill go, and Krill stared on in confusion and mild terror.
"I come from a line of people who believe you can attract things to you based off the kind of energy you put off. Now I don't know if it's true or not, but joking about something's existence is bound to piss it off enough to test its patience don’t you think?"
He took a deep breath and adjusted his shirt,
”Now there are a few other things it could have been. It could have been the den of a mountain lion, or a bear. It could have been a subliminal sense of danger, an incorrect smell, or the way the rocks looked. Or it could simply have been us all getting paranoid at once, but whatever it is, I would rather be safe than sorry. Now come on, let's take you back. After your little stunt there with name-naming we better don’t risk anything…"
Krill stayed quiet and tried not to joke more about the supernatural things., despite finding it funny and not really believing a word the man said.
Apparently, humans tended to take that sort of thing seriously.
Krill did not, all that supernatural stuff was definitely absolute bullshit.
They heard more stories form the strange ranger, about finding people in places they shouldn't be, staircases in strange places, the sudden loss of time.
"There was one point, when I was doing some training out in the field. We were on top of a mountain, and I went off to go to the bathroom. It was so weird, after I was finished, it was like time seemed to slow down. I got starving, and I was looking around in the forest thinking I might be able to find something to eat. I was so hungry. It was all I could think about, and then suddenly I see one of the other rangers, sort of snaps me out of how hungry I was."
He shrugged,
"I raise my hand to him and this guy looks terrified, he runs up to me, and he's going off about where was I and what was I doing, what is going on we have been looking for you. Of course, I am super confused and as what he's on about, and this guy looks at me, and he's all like: dude you have been missing for three days."
Krill and Sunny stared at him.
"I know, strange isn't it? To me it almost seemed like hours. But it was three days and almost twenty miles over to the next mountain ridge. I don't remember any of it."
"Sounds like a dissociative fugue."
"Maybe, whatever I was it was strange."
Behind them, the sun was just beginning to fall and the undergrowth was heading towards a deep black.
They could see the parking lot just ahead of them, and it was at that moment, a blood curling shriek echoed up from the trees at their back.
Sunny leaped nearly a foot.
Krill squealed.
The ranger jumped.
The scream came again.
It sounded like a woman's voice in absolute gut-wrenching agony. Like she was being eviscerated from the inside moving out.
The ranger turned back towards the trees his chin down his eyes up,
"Get slowly back to the car, but don't run."
"Don't run? Don't run!?"
"Yes don't run. It's a mountain lion."
He stared hard into the trees,
"It is a mountain lion and if you run it will have no other choice than to chase you. They don't like to attack from the front and running will trigger her hunting instincts. Walk backwards towards the car very slowly and do not take your eyes off the treeline."
Off to his side, Krill heard a sharp metallic snik and watched as Sunny's spear suddenly appeared in hand.
Of course, she wasn't worried.
But together they backed towards the truck and got in.
As their headlights turned on, the high beams broke over a body hunched up against the treeline.
Sunny cursed in Drev.
The ranger nodded,
"See? Mountain lion."
Krill stared in paralyzed horror at the massive cat, as it stalked back into the trees.
"Going to have to call that in. She is way too close to the trails for comfort, someone is going to get hurt. Hmm weird behavior from her…"
As they were driving away, Krill looked back towards the woods, where the mountain lion had gone to.
Glancing over the scenery, he couldn’t see it anymore, only a shadowy shape of a person was standing there…
…
…
Wait a second…
WHAT!?
He did a double take as he thought he saw a tall willowy figure with antlers, standing at the edge of the treeline in almost the same spot as the mountain lion, angrily staring at him with glittering red eyes.
Woah what?
When he looked again it was gone.
He sat back in his seat, eyes straight forward.
He had a greater appreciation for the woods now because, for some reason, on Earth nature is connected to something strange and unexplainable, and whatever it is Krill was not interested in finding out.
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Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

No one can ever predict a Bill Belichick draft.
When people start assuming he’ll act based on his stereotypes (first-round trade down, OL early, no early WRs, all Alabama players or small school guys or guys from Rutgers), he’ll do the opposite. When the consensus is that he’ll shift away from those stereotypes, he’ll lean right into them.
So in observing mock drafts, both full and team-centric, there was a lot of accord that he would follow those stereotypes. (Adam Korsak, both a punter and from Rutgers, was EVERYWHERE.)
But then the end of April came.
Before then, New England had suffered a 2022 season full of embarrassment, from Matt Patricia and Joe Judge’s ineptitude at running the offense to a team that seemed to find new ways to lose in humiliating fashion (a certain ill-fated lateral sequence peak among them). The Patriots went from their dynastic reign as a team which would trounce their opponents in laughers to the team that everyone pointed and laughed at. Mac Jones’ Patricia- and Judge-sparked regression along with impressive cameo appearances by ‘22 rookie Bailey Zappe split the fanbase into Mac and Zappe camps, with sports media fueling the flame by spreading or outright fabricating rumors of Belichick shopping Mac, rumors which lasted through the first day of the draft. It was an ugly season and an uglier start to the offseason.
The franchise clearly needed to make changes in 2023, and changes started near the top. Patricia and Judge lost their roles, the former joining the Eagles coaching staff and the latter moving to lead special teams, a necessary move as this Belichick-led squad had plummeted to the lowest-ranked third unit. (More on that later.) Patricia had filled the dual roles of de facto offensive coordinator and facto offensive line coach, and filled both roles with the acumen of me designing plays in Backyard Football 2002, except I could actually design plays that resulted in touchdowns. Judge had manned the quarterbacks room, and given that Daniel Jones finally broke out for the Giants once Judge had been booted from mentoring him, you can guess how that went for Mac and the Pats. In his new role in charge of special teams, he has already cost the team two OTAs and Bill Belichick $50,000 for an offseason meetings violation, and has elevated his 2022 title of Co-Most Hated Man in Foxboro to Single Most Hated Man in Foxboro.
Anyway, New England needed to fill their old roles, and brought in:
Bill O’Brien, Offensive Coordinator / Quarterbacks Coach A long-time friend of Belichick’s, O’Brien returns for his second stint as Pats OC, having dictated the offense in Rob Gronkowski’s record-setting 2011 season. Additionally, O’Brien comes by way of running the offense and the QB room at the University of Alabama, which spawned Mac Jones. Mac regressed in 2022 after an impressive 2021, but recall that 2022 was under the abysmal leadership of Patricia (calling his plays) and Judge (his direct coach), a situation in which no one could develop. By bringing in his old OC and QB coach, Mac has been put in the best possible position to develop in ‘23, a position which will much more clearly give fans a vision of his future as an NFL quarterback. (And the playcalling will be legitimate! It’s been but a year and we have already forgotten what creativity, route concepts, and misdirection have looked like!)
Adrian Klemm, Offensive Line Coach Belichick’s first draft pick after taking the helm in New England in 2000, Klemm has joined the team after coaching at Oregon last year. He comes with a strong reputation at that coaching position, having headed a Ducks O-line that allowed just five sacks in 2022. Last season, the Patriots saw a regression from their veterans on the line, most notably in Trent Brown’s newfound flag-happiness, and first-round rookie guard Cole Strange put forth a mixed performance. Bringing in an actual offensive line coach gives the team the best chance to fix any issues that showed in ‘22 and to develop their young linemen.
Of course, coaching was not the only issue last season, as New England was criticized for their lack of talent on the roster. Of New England’s high-cash free agent class of 2021, only edge rusher Matthew Judon shined in both his seasons in Foxboro: neither tight end Jonnu Smith nor wideout Nelson Agholor ever got off the ground, tight end Hunter Henry regressed after a solid ‘21, and wideout Kendrick Bourne found himself suddenly in Patricia’s doghouse and off the field. Moves needed to be made as the calendar turned to free agency.
Notable Departures
S Devin McCourty (retired) The most prominent departure from the ‘22 squad, McCourty is one of many who can be termed a quintessential Patriot. A first-round cornerback out of Rutgers in 2010, D-Mac made the switch to safety in 2012 and locked down the position for the next decade. When he was on the verge of leaving the team in free agency in 2015, even reaching out to Belichick to say goodbye, Belichick signed him to a top-valued safety contract and kept him in red, white, and blue. His leadership and personality made him a joy to watch on the field and off, his personality showing itself especially well recently through interactions with his twin brother Jason, who played alongside him for the Patriots from 2018 to ‘20. Statistically, D-Mac ends his career with 35 interceptions, one shy of the franchise record, and 4 touchdowns (two picks, a kickoff return, and a blocked field goal return). We miss him already.
P Jake Bailey (released; signed with Miami) What a drop. After an All-Pro season in 2020, Bailey signed a four-year extension in 2022 only to become the worst statistical punter in the league. After he was injured, the Patriots brought in Michael Palardy, who managed to be even worse (personally, I blame the team’s curse that comes with the jersey number 17). Neither punter remains with the team, Bailey joining an AFC East rival in the Dolphins and Palardy currently unsigned.
TE Jonnu Smith (traded to Atlanta) There is a strong case to be made that Smith is the worst free agency signing Belichick has made as Pats GM. In the two years since inking a 4-year, $50 million deal, Smith totaled just 55 catches for 539 yards and one touchdown, and a ‘22 restructure of his contract meant that Smith appeared to be a monetary albatross the Patriots would not be able to shake loose. What led to Atlanta agreeing to take on his whole contract, sending New England a seventh-round pick to get the player, I have no idea, but I think every Pats fan would agree that Smith didn’t work out in the least and a change was best for all sides.
WR Jakobi Meyers (signed with Las Vegas) Meyers’ departure was somewhat shocking, as the 2019 UDFA had worked his way up to the top of the Patriots’ wide receiver depth chart. More of a big slot guy than an outside #1, Meyers had a minor role in his rookie season and started 2020 at the bottom of the depth chart, but injuries to the players above him got him onto the field, and a 12-catch, 169-yard performance against the Jets that November meant he wasn’t leaving it anytime soon. While not possessing top-tier speed or explosiveness, Meyers was the team’s best route runner and separator, and his departure left another void that needed to be filled.
QB Brian Hoyer (released, signed with Las Vegas) Hoyer was third on the depth chart, Zappe having shown enough to take the #2 spot. While a fine veteran mentor, the Patriots chose to go a different direction with that third QB role.
WR Nelson Agholor (signed with Baltimore) Agholor was given a two-year contract in 2021 with the anticipation of his being the #1 receiver, something which did not happen due to his unreliable hands and separation abilities. For those two years and $22 million, Agholor produced 68 catches, 835 yards, and five touchdowns. Not worth it.
RB Damien Harris (signed with Buffalo) By far the most productive member of the Patriots’ atrocious 2019 draft class, Harris was good in New England but had been passed on the depth chart by sophomore Rhamondre Stevenson midway through 2022. Couple that with Belichick’s predilection to let running backs walk instead of giving them second contracts, sprinkle in a dash of two ‘22 draft picks (Pierre Strong Jr. and Kevin Harris) who will get more opportunities in 2023, top it off with the return of Ty Montgomery II from injured reserve, and it’s no surprise that Harris is no longer a Patriot.
T Isaiah Wynn (signed with Miami) Another former first-round pick, Wynn was all right as a left tackle though was criticized for frequent injury problems; with his fifth-year option picked up for ‘22, he was inexplicably switched to right tackle, where he was very bad. He never really earned the role of franchise tackle, so it was expected that the Patriots would let him walk.
But on the upside, the team now has:
Additions
WR JuJu Smith-Schuster (via Kansas City) After Meyers signed with the Raiders, the Patriots worked quickly to bring in his replacement in the slot. Smith-Schuster revived his career in Kansas City and is now in position to be a primary target for Mac for the next three seasons, possessing more explosiveness and speed than his predecessor. The biggest concern with JuJu is his durability, but I believe the Patriots have made preparations in the draft (spoiler) in case that becomes a significant problem. The fanbase is excited for Smith-Schuster on the field in Foxboro, and deservedly so.
RB James Robinson (via New York (the green side)) A one-time breakout UDFA in Jacksonville, Robinson’s role diminished with the rise of Travis Etienne Jr.; after being traded to the Jets, Robinson never got settled into a role. In New England, Robinson is likely first in line for the #2 RB spot behind Stevenson, an important role given that Stevenson’s overwork saw his productivity decline as last season came to an end. Robinson also possesses the pass-catching versatility that Belichick loves, a role Harris was never used in but Stevenson is, further suggesting he can have a significant spot on the field for the Pats.
TE Mike Gesicki (via Miami) As Smith never worked out as the co-#1 TE, here comes Gesicki. A pure pass catcher at the position, Gesicki has the size and hands to be a reliable target in the red zone, and should pair nicely with Henry for a potential TE-heavy formation as the team approaches the goal line.
T Riley Reiff (via Chicago) T Calvin Anderson (via Denver) While neither comes with the contract expectation of being a long-term solution at either tackle spot, the hope is that Reiff (expected to start at RT) will be an upgrade over Wynn, while Anderson serves as a reliable swing tackle who can start if needed.
LB Chris Board Jr. (via Detroit) Remember that awful special teams unit? Board is one of the NFL’s top special teamers, a player Belichick singled out when New England faced the Lions last year. It’s unsurprising he brought in such a veteran to help solidify the unit after… just all of last year.
QB Trace McSorley (via Arizona) By bringing in McSorley in Hoyer’s stead, the team is showing a bit of a shift in philosophy with how it is using its backup QB spots. Both Mac and Zappe are pocket passers; McSorley does most of his work outside the pocket and can run with regularity, a trend more common among top-level quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen. At minimum, he’s worth a camp spot, and that’s fine.
P Corliss Waitman (via Denver) Following the implosion of Bailey and Palardy at punter, the Patriots were on the verge of entering the draft with none on the roster. Waitman is a veteran addition there, but pretty much everyone expected New England to add a punter either as a draft pick or UDFA. (Another spoiler – my bad.)
After this free agency, many saw the Patriots as still having holes at the top of their depth chart at wideout, tackle, and cornerback. Tight end was also considered a need as New England, despite adding Gesicki to pair with Henry, does not have a tight end signed beyond 2023, entering the draft with only Matt Sokol and Scotty Washington behind their name duo.
Then they went on the clock, entering the draft with:
1-14 2-46 3-76 4-107 4-117 4-135 6-184 6-187 6-192 6-210 7-245
Here’s how it all went down.
Draft Picks
TRADE: 1-14 to PIT for 1-17 and 4-120 Although this trade was criticized for receiving too little back from Pittsburgh, it was not a major loss in capital according to the Rich Hill value chart (325 points to PIT, 320 to NE), and it came with enough high-level talent on the board that the Patriots were sure to get one of their targets. The way the board fell, fans most wanted Christian Gonzalez, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Zay Flowers, or Broderick Jones; when the Steelers took Jones, it became clear that the Patriots were not interested in him (reports came out that the Patriots had not been interested in Jones at all due to coachability concerns), but they were sure to land an exciting player after moving down only three spots rather than the seven-plus many mockers had predicted. Additionally, the Steelers landing Jones appeared to knock the Jets’ war room for a loop (though later video has shown that the Jets were expecting the trade), and the only thing New England fans love more than a victory is an opportunity to screw over the Jets.
1-17: Christian Gonzalez, CB, Oregon The Patriots’ selection of Gonzalez received universal acclaim, and it’s easy to see why. Despite having strong CB depth, the Patriots lacked a true #1 corner; Gonzalez has the ability, length, and athleticism to be that from Day One. The first-round pick via Colorado and Oregon was widely projected as a top-10 selection, so for New England to land him at 17 is a tremendous coup. From his interviews and his play style, Gonzalez seems like a quiet guy off the field who wants to shut the opponent down when on the turf. He’ll be fun to watch.
2-46: Keion White, ED, Georgia Tech White is another player falling under the new Patriots draft umbrella under Belichick and Matt Groh: as athletic as can be. While he is raw, White has the athleticism to play three downs along the defensive line and the versatility to move inside when the situation calls for it. The Patriots thought so highly of him that he was a player they were considering drafting in the first round, even considering a move back into the last picks of the round to snag him, but landed him at 46 anyway. How much he will play as a rookie is uncertain as New England has a very good edge duo in Matthew Judon and Josh Uche, but even if White has to take a year to get acclimated to the NFL, that’s not unheard of in Foxboro and has produced success for highly-touted picks: neither Nate Solder (first round) nor Trey Flowers (fourth round) took on long-term starting roles as rookies (though Solder filled in at right tackle plenty), but were established starters in their second years. Similarly, Uche (second round) started off as an occasionally-used part of a pass rushing rotation before hitting double-digit sacks last year, his third season in the league. And if White earns significant playing time in 2023, all the better.
3-76: Marte Mapu, LB, Sacramento State Here’s that small-school selection that detractors tend to point at regarding Belichick, but Mapu has elite potential. I got tipped off to Mapu late in the pre-draft cycle, and watching film of him I was reminded a lot of Kyle Dugger, another small-school Day 2 player who has turned into an excellent Patriot. Mapu is going to play linebacker, likely his best position, and fill the role of coverage ‘backer that New England has lacked for several seasons. He’s also athletic and scheme-versatile, having spent time at safety and linebacker while at Sacramento State, so he will be able to move around the defensive formation if the situation calls for it. Add to that his tackling, his closing speed, and his containment, and you’ve got yourself a potential stud.
4-107: Jake Andrews, C, Troy The Patriots need their future long-term center with David Andrews now 31 and having an injury history, and Jake Andrews (unrelated) is set up perfectly to be that guy. Andrews the Younger is built in the same mold as Andrews the Elder: both exited college as smaller in stature than other centers but able to get a push on defensive linemen from below, meaning Jake can easily learn specific bits of technique from David. While not expected to play the role immediately, [anagram: Ned Was a Jerk] is now in position to spend time behind [anagram: Swan Diver Dad], preparing himself to take over at center in the near future.
TRADE: 4-120 and 6-184 to NYJ for 4-112 4-112: Chad Ryland, K, Maryland This is not the first time Belichick has selected a kicker in the fourth round, selecting Stephen Gostkowski with pick 118 in 2006; with the Patriots in desperate need for a strong player at the position, moving up to make sure they could land him makes sense (especially with Jake Moody being selected by the 49ers at 3-99). And Ryland is what Nick Folk is not: a big-legged kicker with kickoff ability. Folk has been appreciated in New England for his accuracy, but his distance and accuracy notably declined in 2022, and when forced to kick off, his lack of touchback distance led to trouble, the Patriots surrendering a league-high three kick return touchdowns (including two in the season finale). It’s clear an upgrade at kicker was a requirement this offseason; with Moody gone, giving up a sixth to move up eight spots is absolutely fine. In doing so, New England has hopefully landed their kicker for the next decade.
4-117: Sidy Sow, G, Eastern Michigan At this point, it may be considered confusing for the Patriots to have drafted a left guard in Sow when last year’s first-round pick Cole Strange is entrenched there and Mike Onwenu mans right guard at an elite level, but Groh’s post-draft comments indicated the team would give Sow opportunities at left tackle as well. And not only does Sow have experience at left tackle, he has the size at 6’5” and 326 pounds. New England’s projected starting tackles are veterans Trent Brown and Riley Reiff, both of whom are over 30 and are in contract years; if Sow returns to the position, the former mauling EMU Eagle (heh, two birds) offensive lineman could ease the need at tackle for next offseason.
TRADE: 4-135 to LV for 5-144 and 6-214 5-144: Atonio Mafi, G, UCLA Another interior lineman? Yes. Mafi is a guard whom the Patriots worked with at the Shrine Bowl, and has the versatility to move between left and right guard. As the aforementioned Onwenu is in a contract year, Mafi has a clear path to a potential starting job in 2024, and the most important thing right now for the development of Mac Jones is keeping him upright. By selecting three offensive linemen – using a quarter of their 12 selections on the offensive trench – Belichick and Groh have signaled their intent to do just that. From all accounts, Mafi, who met with New England in a pre-draft visit, is thrilled to join the team; now it’s about proving it on the field.
6-187: Kayshon Boutte, WR, LSU Boutte is the epitome of a boom-or-bust prospect, his elite 2020 and ‘21 being overshadowed by a disappointing 2022 that dropped him from clear first-rounder to a middle-of-Day-3 selection. As a freshman and sophomore, Boutte looked to follow in the footsteps of highly-drafted LSU wideouts such as Odell Beckham Jr., Justin Jefferson, and JaMarr Chase, showing a complete package of agility, speed, and route running. Unfortunately, an injury plus conflicts with his new coach Brian Kelly led to underperformance, and a poor combine performance cemented his draft stock as having drastically fallen. But if he can get back to his earlier form, where his talent and athleticism led to a combined 83 receptions, 1244 yards, and 14 touchdowns in his first two college seasons, Boutte could become the steal of the draft.
6-192: Bryce Baringer, P, Michigan State While New England had signed Corliss Waitman so as to have a punter on the roster heading into the draft, none assumed he was the long-term answer; when the Patriots made Baringer the first punter taken in the 2023 draft, it became clear who was. A walk-on turned cut turned best punter in college football, Baringer has a booming leg that showed itself in an average punt length of 49.0 yards in ‘22; he also holds the Michigan State record for career punting average at 46.0 yards. As a bonus, he worked with Ryland at the Senior Bowl, so the two have already begun to develop chemistry in the holding game. As another bonus, he wore No. 99 in college, and that is awesome.
6-210: Demario Douglas, WR, Liberty When one imagines a typical Patriots slot receiver – small, shifty, and explosive with the ball in his hands – one might well be imagining Douglas. The five-foot-eight Liberty product can absolutely fly, moving all around the formation and catching balls at all levels of the field. New Englanders got a preview of what Douglas’ game might look like when rookie cornerback Marcus Jones began to take snaps on offense last year; Jones was often put in motion before the snap, worked out of the backfield, and assigned touches where his elusiveness was the spark to gain yards. Douglas has said he models his game after Jones, a claim that demonstrates itself when one views his collegiate tape. I had a third-round grade on Douglas, so the Patriots landing him at 210 is a thrill. (Even though the Giants took one of my draft crushes in Tre Hawkins III the pick before, for which I’m still irked.)
6-214: Ameer Speed, CB, Michigan State The unknown about Speed is whether he will develop on defense; that is not his skill at the moment. There are three things known: his size (6’3”, 210 lbs.), his speed (4.34s 40), and his special teams prowess. With longtime special teams captain Matthew Slater likely entering his last year, the Patriots need to develop a new crop of special teams standouts, long a hallmark of Belichick’s Patriots from the time of Larry Izzo. Last year’s UDFA Brenden Schooler looks like one of those players already; Speed will certainly be given every chance possible to be another.
7-245: Isaiah Bolden, CB, Jackson State More tall athletic cornerbacks! The only HBCU selection in the 2023 draft, Bolden is an incredible athlete who likely earned his way to a draft selection by lighting up his Pro Day. Though just a role player on defense, Bolden has developmental traits that any defensive coach would love, and has also been a top collegiate kick returner, leading all of college football in 2021 with a 36.9-yard average on kickoff returns. I don’t see the two late-round cornerback selections as “throw players on the field and see who sticks” à la the ill-fated dual tight end picks of Devin Asiasi and Dalton Keene in 2020’s third round, but selecting players who might have longer chances to succeed, but if they do succeed can truly shine.
Though Bolden was the last of the Patriots’ 2023 draft picks, that did not conclude their rookie class as the period of UDFA signings immediately began. The Patriots have had an undrafted rookie make the Week 1 roster every year since 2004; with just a four-man class this season, chances are slim. They’re not impossible – their only 2021 UDFA, kicker Quinn Nordin, made it – but they’re definitely slimmer. Here are the four who can continue that streak.
Undrafted Rookies
Malik Cunningham, QB, Louisville The most expensive ($200,000) and well-known of the quartet, Cunningham’s slight build and arm as a quarterback led to piles of speculation of his switching positions. However, he has started off his Patriots tenure as a quarterback in rookie minicamp, so he remains a quarterback until further notice. Throughout college, Cunningham’s most intriguing asset has been his supreme athleticism at the position, something which showed up in testing, and it remains to be seen how the Patriots will use that athleticism to help the team. (It may be a good while until outside sources get a look, as minicamp and OTAs have thus far been closed off to the media.)
Johnny Lumpkin, TE, Louisiana-Lafayette After foregoing using a selection on a tight end in a deep draft class (another Belichick trend), New England instead brought in Lumpkin, who projects as a blocking tight end in the NFL. This offsets the biggest negative, his age (he’ll be 26 to start the season), as the Patriots lack a true blocker at the position. Whether Lumpkin can take advantage of this path to a roster spot remains to be seen, but his road to making the team as an undrafted rookie seems easiest at the moment.
Jourdan Heilig, LB, Appalachian State Like Board and Speed, Heilig joins the Patriots as a special teams standout, playing minimal defense as a Mountaineer (three snaps in 2022) but standing out in college on the third unit (210 snaps in 2022). He’ll have a chance to follow in the path of Schooler as a UDFA who makes his mark as a core special teamer.
Justus Tavai, DL, San Diego State The middle of the Tavai brothers (older brother Jahlani is a Patriots linebacker, younger brother Jonah signed with Seattle as a UDFA), Justus played alongside Jonah on the Aztec defensive line in 2022. While Jonah put up eye-popping numbers with double-digit sacks, Justus was a steady contributor as well, putting up 3.5 sacks and intercepting a pass. Tavai is the ninth man on the Patriots’ defensive line right now, so he has a difficult path if he wants to make the team.
He’s not an undrafted rookie, but the Patriots have also brought in veteran free agent Anthony Firsker, TE to compete with Lumpkin, Sokol, and Washington for the third tight end spot, the roster spot opened with their losing reserve Raekwon McMillan, LB to a partially torn Achilles tendon.
Projected Offseason Depth Chart (italics = rookie, (in parentheses = exclusively or primarily a special teamer)) (Note: the Patriots assign temporary jersey numbers in the offseason starting with 50 based mainly on draft position.)
QB 10 Mac Jones 4 Bailey Zappe 19 Trace McSorley 64 Malik Cunningham
RB 38 Rhamondre Stevenson 3 James Robinson 14 Ty Montgomery II 35 Pierre Strong Jr. 36 Kevin Harris 42 J.J. Taylor
WR 1 DeVante Parker 7 JuJu Smith-Schuster 84 Kendrick Bourne 11 Tyquan Thornton 58 Kayshon Boutte 60 Demario Douglas 82 Tre Nixon (44 Raleigh Webb) (18 Matthew Slater)
TE 85 Hunter Henry 88 Mike Gesicki 86 Anthony Firsker 87 Matt Sokol 17 Scotty Washington 65 Johnny Lumpkin
T 77 Trent Brown 74 Riley Reiff 76 Calvin Anderson 75 Conor McDermott 64 Andrew Stueber
G 71 Mike Onwenu 69 Cole Strange 54 Sidy Sow 55 Atonio Mafi 63 Chasen Hines 62 Bill Murray
C 60 David Andrews 53 Jake Andrews 65 James Ferentz 66 Kody Russey
DL 90 Christian Barmore 92 Davon Godchaux 91 Deatrich Wise Jr. 93 Lawrence Guy Sr. 95 Daniel Ekuale 98 Carl Davis Jr. 96 Sam Roberts 70 Jeremiah Pharms Jr. 67 Justus Tavai
ED 9 Matthew Judon 55 Josh Uche 51 Keion White 58 Anfernee Jennings (97 DaMarcus Mitchell) 51 Ronnie Perkins
LB 8 Ja’Whaun Bentley 48 Jahlani Tavai 52 Marte Mapu 30 Mack Wilson Sr. (45 Chris Board Jr.) 43 Calvin Munson 59 Terez Hall 47 Olakunle Fatukasi (66 Jourdan Heilig)
CB 50 Christian Gonzalez 31 Jonathan Jones 13 Jack Jones 25 Marcus Jones 27 Myles Bryant (61 Ameer Speed) 63 Isaiah Bolden 37 Tae Hayes 26 Shaun Wade 34 Quandre Mosely 39 Rodney Randle Jr.
S 23 Kyle Dugger 5 Jabrill Peppers 2 Jalen Mills 21 Adrian Phillips 24 Joshuah Bledsoe (41 Brenden Schooler) (22 Cody Davis) 29 Brad Hawkins
K 62 Chad Ryland 6 Nick Folk
P 59 Bryce Baringer 15 Corliss Waitman
LS 49 Joe Cardona 46 Tucker Addington
Conclusion Is this a perfect Patriots team? No. There are still long-term holes at offensive tackle and tight end, and there is a question mark as to who can be that pass catcher whom defensive coordinators have to plan for, a player the team has lacked for several seasons.
But is this an exciting Patriots roster, a team who has a chance to exceed their middling projections and expectations, a team worth watching and cheering for? Absolutely. Belichick and company have stabilized the coaching staff; added explosive, athletic players at nearly every position; brought in a new crew of players to take over special teams; and begun their draft with three players who could not only start in the NFL but have the potential to star. I fully believe that this is not an 8-9 caliber team, even in an AFC East with three other teams that have added big name after big name.
As Bill Belichick might say, we’re on to 2023.
We’re on to victory.

​
https://preview.redd.it/k1q0iin4eh2b1.png?width=1882&format=png&auto=webp&s=dea675f912546099023f9ff38547d4987b473e8b
Breakdown by number of different players on each team:

• Cardinals: 11 (John Gilliam, Mel Gray, Pat Tilley, Roy Green, J.T. Smith, Rob Moore, Frank Sanders, David Boston, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, DeAndre Hopkins)
• Oilers/Titans: 10 (Charlie Joiner, Ken Burrough, Tim Smith, Drew Hill, Haywood Jeffires, Curtis Duncan, Derrick Mason, Drew Bennett, Nate Washington, A.J. Brown)
• Vikings: 10 (John Gilliam, Sammy White, Ahmad Rashad, Anthony Carter, Cris Carter, Jake Reed, Randy Moss, Sidney Rice, Adam Thielen, Justin Jefferson)
• Steelers: 10 (Ron Shanklin, John Stallworth, Eric Green, Yancey Thigpen, Hines Ward, Santonio Holmes, Mike Wallace, Antonio Brown, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Diontae Johnson)
• Washington: 9 (Frank Grant, Charlie Brown, Gary Clark, Ricky Sanders, Henry Ellard, Laveranues Coles, Santana Moss, Pierre Garcon, Terry McLaurin)
• Cowboys: 9 (Bob Hayes, Drew Pearson, Tony Hill, Michael Irvin, Terrell Owens, Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Amari Cooper, CeeDee Lamb)
• 49ers: 8 (Gene Washington, Dwight Clark, Roger Craig, Jerry Rice, Terrell Owens, Michael Crabtree, Anquan Boldin, George Kittle)
• Packers: 8 (James Lofton, Sterling Sharpe, Antonio Freeman, Javon Walker, Donald Driver, Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Davante Adams)
• Chiefs: 8 (Otis Taylor, Walter White, Carlos Carson, Stephone Paige, Tony Gonzalez, Dwayne Bowe, Tyreek Hill, Travis Kelce)
• Bengals: 8 (Chip Myers, Isaac Curtis, Cris Collinsworth, Eddie Brown, Carl Pickens, Chad Johnson, A.J. Green, Ja'Marr Chase)
• Dolphins: 8 (Paul Warfield, Nat Moore, Mark Duper, Mark Clayton, Chris Chambers, Jarvis Landry, DeVante Parker, Tyreek Hill)
• Patriots: 7 (Stanley Morgan, Vincent Brisby, Terry Glenn, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski)
• Jets: 7 (Rich Caster, Jerome Barkum, Wesley Walker, Al Toon, Keyshawn Johnson, Santana Moss, Brandon Marshall)
• Chargers: 7 (Gary Garrison, John Jefferson, Wes Chandler, Anthony Miller, Tony Martin, Vincent Jackson, Keenan Allen)
• Rams: 7 (Harold Jackson, Gene Washington, Ron Jessie, Henry Ellard, Isaac Bruce, Torry Holt, Cooper Kupp)
• Bills: 7 (Marlin Briscoe, Frank Lewis, Andre Reed, Eric Moulds, Lee Evans, Steve Johnson, Stefon Diggs)
• Falcons: 7 (Alfred Jenkins, Stacey Bailey, Bert Emanuel, Tony Martin, Roddy White, Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley)
• Raiders: 7 (Mike Siani, Cliff Branch, Todd Christensen, Tim Brown, Jerry Rice, Amari Cooper, Davante Adams)
• Eagles: 7 (Harold Jackson, Harold Carmichael, Mike Quick, Irving Fryar, Terrell Owens, Zach Ertz, A.J. Brown)
• Broncos: 6 (Steve Watson, Rod Smith, Javon Walker, Brandon Marshall, Brandon Lloyd, Demaryius Thomas)
• Lions: 6 (Ron Jessie, Jeff Chadwick, Herman Moore, Roy Williams, Calvin Johnson, Kenny Golladay)
• Colts: 6 (Roger Carr, Reggie Langhorne, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, T.Y. Hilton, Michael Pittman Jr.)
• Browns: 6 (Reggie Rucker, Dave Logan, Webster Slaughter, Josh Gordon, Jarvis Landry, Amari Cooper)
• Saints: 5 (Henry Childs, Wes Chandler, Joe Horn, Marques Colston, Michael Thomas)
• Buccaneers: 4 (Keyshawn Johnson, Keenan McCardell, Vincent Jackson, Mike Evans)
• Seahawks: 4 (Steve Largent, Brian Blades, Doug Baldwin, D.K. Metcalf)
• Bears: 3 (Dick Gordon, George Farmer, James Scott)
• Giants: 3 (Amani Toomer, Victor Cruz, Odell Beckham Jr.)
• Panthers: 3 (Muhsin Muhammad, Steve Smith Sr., D.J. Moore)
• Texans: 2 (Andre Johnson, DeAndre Hopkins)
• Jaguars: 2 (Jimmy Smith, Christian Kirk)
• Ravens: 0

Below are all the Wide Receivers selected in the first 10 picks since 2000. Pretty mixed...seemingly more HoF players toward the top but some real stinkers in there. Forgot how hyped I was for Blackmon.
1st: NONE
2nd: Calvin Johnson, Charles Rogers
3rd: Braylon Edwards, Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson
4th: Amari Cooper, Sammy Watkins, AJ Green, Peter Warrick
5th: Jamarr Chase, Corey Davis, Justin Blackmon
6th: Jalen Waddle, Julio Jones
7th: Mike Williams, Mike Evans, Kevin White, Darrius Heyward Bey, Troy Williamson, Roy Williams
8th: Drake London, Talon Austin, David Terrell, Plaxico Burress
9th: John Ross, Ted Ginn, Reggie Williams, Koren Robinson
10th: Garrett Wilson, DeVonta Smith, Michael Crabtree, Mike Williams (05)

What do you guys think?

Throwaway cuz my friend knows my reddit.
My friend (15M), Ill call him John, and I (15M) have been friends for 2+ years now. About him, he is a 10/10 based on looks alone. Like so many people have complimented his looks from girls, to teachers even. As for me, I have never been called ugly in my life, I have also gotten a few compliments here and there from girls bur im definitely not a 10/10, more like slightly above average. John is quite conservative and he doesnt really share his thoughts with you unless you are close to him. During the first year of our relationship, I have always looked at him as a friend and always thought he was straight. John and I study in a boys school, and you know how boys act gay together in a boys school for fun and all that. John, like I said was more on the conservative side. So whenever someone played gay with him, he would say stuff like:” stop being gay” etc. He never did anything remotely gay to anyone else, not even to me as a close friend.
During the second year of our friendship, he did something I would never thought he would do. He dry humped me. Usually I wouldnt really bother when others did it to me as I saw it as a joke. But John had never done this to anyone else before. So I thought he was just finally getting used to the culture at a boys school. After this incident, there were other “gay” stuff he did to me. Once, when i dropped my pen, when i picked it up and was returning to me seat, our faces where close and he just said “muah” like he was kissing me. Another time, when I was shirtless and doing push ups, he touched my dick😭😹. And there was once, after I started catching feelings for him, when after i rest my heat on his shoulder, he initially push my head away. Then later he place his head on my shoulder. Whenever he did these kinds of funny acts, I would just laugh it off and didnt want to look like I was actually gay. However, his actions slowly led me to believe he liked me, and since he was handsome, I began to fall for him.
Ever since that, I began acting more gay towards him, and played it off as a joke. I wanted to make him fall for me but act as if I wasnt gay. This went on for the rest of the year. When the year came to a close, I realised this was going nowhere and decided to stop chasing after him. We still maintained friends though.
However, this week, since summer is coming up, we began making plans to go out and have fun. We suggested going swimming and agreed to do so. This reignited the existing feelings I had. I mean I have never seen him shirtless before because as I said, he is very conservative. I began imagining him shirtless and kissing him. So now I really wanna confess to him. But, im still not sure if he really likes or liked me. Whenever he did those gay play, he would also laugh it off as a joke. So idk if he is trying to lead me on without showing others that he is gay too, or if he really is just fooling around. He has also rejected all the girls that have made advancements towards him. Im scared that if I confess to him, that I was wrong about how he felt about me and that he would start telling the whole world that I was gay. The people around us are also homophobic so even if we were to be in a relationship, idk if many people will approve, especially our families. Im also unsure of my sexuality as well. And there is also the fact that he is way out of my league.
Should I confess to him? How?
TLDR: Im not sure whether to confess to my guy friend that I like him because im not sure if he likes me back.

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

Shaun: We’re back with part 2 of the Tell-All. I’m your host, The Antler Queen, and on our stage is a whole mess of people we’re hoping pull the Queen of Hearts.
Production: Shaun, we agreed no *Yellowjackets* references until Gabe interrupts with bad advice.
Shaun: I’m having a premonition.
Nicole: I’m weeping.
Shaun: See, Nicole’s having one, too! Can you call Mahmoud and weep into the phone? We only allow a napkin corner of tears in the No-Cry Zone.
Nicole: Okay. I feel like a different show wouldn’t want me to call him, but —
Shaun: Nicole, we have all the ethics of *Cheaters* chasing someone buying baby formula around a Walmart parking lot. Of course we want you to call him.
Daniele: This is very triggering for me.
Shaun: Because Yohan doesn’t call enough? BWAHAHA! Oh, you’re serious. Jerry, bring me my mermaid bong.
Jerry: Nicole just took the mermaid bong into the bathroom with her cellphone.
Shaun: I said no mermaid belfies!
Jerry: I think it’s to breathe underwater.
Shaun: Sounds like the light hanging over dabs just turned green! I’m about to become Snoop Dog and Martha Stewart’s hosting baby.
Kris: I can help you with that, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, I’m boarding the Good Ship Legal Pot, and you already set sail on the SS It’s a Prescription, and these boats don’t share a pier.
Debbie: If it’s a prescription that means a doctor wrote it!
Shaun: Okay, Debbie. Daniele, you were feelings?
Daniele: What makes a relationship is the ability to have difficult conversations, and it’s clear Mahmoud isn’t ready for that.
Shaun: Are “difficult conversations” the ones where you shout “enough” and suggest calling a relative who gives a fuck?
Jerry: Should we sprinkle some Pillow Talk fluff in so the audience doesn’t hear your butane?
Shaun: Yes, but don’t include anything witty. That always makes me hungry.
Nicole: Cries.
Shaun: Exactly.
Mahmoud: What the fuck shit why are you crying? (Throws chair.)
Kris: Mah injuries!
Nicole: I know honey but also honey. I’m sorry other people say things. I should have crawled inside their mouths and stolen their sound.
Mahmoud: I am strong I will be mean to everyone!
Yohan: I don’t understand. Who is fucking this man? What size shoes do you wear?
Mahmoud: Fucking shit (throws mic).
Nicole: I know I know. I’m trying to support you.
Mahmoud: I don’t see that even once.
Shaun: Is this a Julia Roberts movie? Can we get out of it? No? Good thing I wore my contacts with the abuse filter. Welcome back, Mahmoud!
Mahmoud: I want see what this fucking asshole wants.
Gabe: That’s probably me he’s talking about.
Shaun: Who do you see as your competition, Gabe?
Gabe: Look, my dad and step-mom are Muslim. Clearly they represent all Muslims, and this is about me.
Mahmoud: These are MY hypothetical children, and Gabe’s Main Character is not the father!
Nicole: I just want the world to be a better place, and I don’t want to join NXIVM, and I’m not going on a cooking show, and who is having babies?
Shaun: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun. These are your inside thoughts.
Mahmoud: You teach your kids how you teach your kids, you don’t force your kids.
Debbie: Hey Nicole, remember that nightmare you told me about a little while ago where a flamingo swallowed your head?
Nicole: Chicken. It was a pink chicken.
Debbie: Well cluck cluck, I’m coming in to roost.
Shaun: Are you okay, Nicole?
Nicole: I saw a wall of pink and then darkness. Is this marriage?
Shaun: Yes. Gabe how’s business?
Gabe: The other trans-specific underwear brands have favorable Trustpilot reviews, so insecure men are my target demographic now.
Shaun: Who’s the boss? Wait, really? Who did this to the card?
Gabe: Isabel is the boss.
Shaun: That line was funnier when Tony Danza said it.
Gabe: Isabel can still fall into a cake and get us back to romantic comedy.
Shaun: Nah, bring Trey out to wade into the least interesting part of your story.
Gabe: Aw schucks I’m in the middle again!
Shaun: Kris, is narcolepsy contagious, or is Trey like watching a muscle relaxer?
Trey: I’m not enough conflict to carry into another season, but I believe you’ll try.
Shaun: Hang on, I’m trying to card. Something about cows?
Jen: Yes?
Debbie: Rishi is a COWard.
Rishi: So?
Debbie: Where was your passion?
Rishi: Passion for what? Breaking up?
Gabe: You got to defend your woman, bro. Just face plant into a pillow and defend her like a motherfucker. Take that zero and call yourself a hero.
Rishi: I am feeling like not listening to you.
Jen: We’re not engaged.
Rishi: I consider her fiancee yes.
Jen: I mean, he’s NEVER going to move out of his mom’s house.
Shaun: Neither are you, Jen. What does this have to do with cows? Fuck it, let’s bring out Randi’s nipples and Myra’s opinions to audition for Pillow Talk.
Myra: Obvi Rishi is a cheater, obvi.
Randi: I said “show me a special part of you” and Rishi sent a shirtless pic to my catfishgram!
Daniele: Dick jokes!
Yohan: Thank you for reminding me of my value to you. Again.
Shaun: Randi, I have so many questions, and so little interest.
Randi: Clearly a cheater, clearly.
Debbie: Jen is a treasure!
Shaun: Debbie, those are words. You don’t have to use them.
Debbie: But what if they pop in my head!
Shaun: They can exist as a floating thought-bubble that we don’t have to read.
Debbie: Well Rishi strikes me as a very slippery character!
Shaun: It’s the brown, isn’t it? Just say it’s the brown.
Daniele: It’s not fair to assume Rishi’s cheating just because he’s hot. As someone with experience dating hot men, I know sometimes they just give up.
Myra: We did an informal census of Jaipur before drawing conclusions we already had, based on the only sounds we hear.
Gabe: It should come as no surprise that I have bad advice for this.
Shaun: RISHI’S MOM NOT GABE, what do you think about Jen?
Rishi’s mom: She’s fine.
Jen: SQUAWK!
Shaun: Tell me, if I were listening, what would I say right here?
Rishi: Mom, I’m going to marry Jen. In maybe like, 6 months or something.
Rishi’s mom: Never? Sure.
Shaun: Myra and Randi, someone said you have thoughts? Convince me.
Randi: Oussama, you’re an asshole.
Shaun: I’ll allow it. Myra, you got anything?
Myra: Daniele carries Yohan’s balls in her purse.
Daniele: First of all, my purse is very heavy, and second, I ask him to carry it all the time.
Shaun: This card just says: Old?
Jen: It’s uncouth and cold to bring up my age.
Shaun: Oh! Jen’s old! Now I get it! Daniele, people have been blowing up social media asking about the bedroom challenges faced by giants mating with hobbits. Do you both have enormous feet?
Daniele: Yohan’s really strong and I’m really flexible.
Shaun: You’re like waist-high?
Yohan: Exactly, Shaun.
Debbie: I’ve got bad news for Yohan. You’re always gonna be known as the guy with the big ding-dong.
Shaun: That’s not a curse, Debbie.
Yohan: What are your thoughts on dating men younger than your children?
Debbie: I’m not attracted to young men. I just want to marry them.
Gabe: OKAY GUYS, I’ll talk about me. I gave way too many details about the creation of my penis.
Daniele: Not to people who weren’t paying attention!
Gabe: I put the penis in the vagina. Orgasm go boom.
Daniele: Women ejaculate?
Shaun: This is another Everest moment, isn’t it?
Gabe: To be fair, maybe she doesn’t have the internet in NYC.
Daniele: And they made your penis like how women take fat from their thighs and put it into their asses?
Gabe: I just gave a whole explanation on prosthetic creation AGAIN, and all you got was thigh? I couldn’t pee for nine months!
Daniele: Look, I took early retirement from teaching, and no one tried to stop me.
Shaun: Okay guys, someone drew a rolled-eyes emoji on this card, so I assume that means I need to ask Kris how many accidents she had on the way to the studio?
Kris: So many, Shaun, including one where my vehicle cartwheeled through space and time and I nearly lost my past and future lives to the metaverse. Jeymi’s fault.
Shaun: Let’s take a look back on that time Jeymi raised her voice to the level Kris uses as a greeting. I feel like there’s some violence I should point out, but nah.
Kris: I deal with anger by leaving. If you try to stop me, I rage.
Mahmoud: Exactly!
Gabe: Is that a side-effect of narcolepsy, or all the head injuries?
Kris: Jeymi.
Jeymi: I fell in love with someone who did not exist. Can we go back to when she is shoving me from the van because I questioned why she thought two weeks was five months?
Shauna: Kris, what’s DARVO again?
Kris: How much did I say I could pay, Jeymi? $450. How much is the rent? $550. I’m working day and night, and all I get from her is that she expects us to share a continent.
Shaun: Kris, in the land of your people, what sort of labor are you performing day and night that leaves you $550 shy of $550?
Jeymi: All I got was one rent payment and a throwing-star, and I have proof.
Kris: She’s talking about my old bank, not my bank-bank, which totally funded some funds, but then JEYMI was all, and so my mama sent it to her, and it’s not my fault if technology problems are a struggle to a senior.
Shaun: Didn’t you tell your mom you sent $1K?
Kris: I probably sent Jeymi $10K.
Shaun: If you’re working day and night for $550 a month, how the fuck did you send her $10K? Jerry, can you bring out my abacus.
Kris: I already told you about time travel accidents, Shaun.
Shaun: Kris, no one believes you sent $10K. Wait, Debbie?
Debbie: There is a giver and a taker, and Jeymi is the taker. THE PREDATOR.
Shaun: It’s because she’s brown, right?
Debbie: Well I did use the word *predator,* didn’t I? And that word is on my vision board!
Kris: Everything I did while I was away was for her!
Shaun: For Debbie? I thought it was all for your son, who had legal problems?
Kris: But see when I found out Jeymi was CHEATING for the second — no, THIRD time, she KNEW about my SO KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT!
Shaun: This is enough DARVO to gas a sociology class, Kris. You’re wearing DARVOlogy, for Women. Sorry, that’s the dabs.
Gabe: You just, like, left her with all those expenses, and didn’t come back.
Jeymi: Now I have so much debt!
Kris: I would have paid her debt! I would still help her move!
Shaun: You’d help her move from the place she has to leave because you didn’t pay, but resent that she expected you to pay after you told her to quit her job? Yep, there’s nothing on this card directing me to why you were the one flouncing to the van, exactly. Are these my inside thoughts, or my outside thoughts Jerry?
Jerry: They’re not your thoughts, Shaun.
Shaun: Right. Jeymi, do you want to reclaim your rightful flounce?
Nicole: I’m getting lost in the details.
Shaun: Oh, those aren’t details, Nicole. Now, what did you pry out of Chuck E. Cheese’s cold, dead paw, Kris?
Kris: This here is my phone. I’m going to stare at it like there’s something incriminating. DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! Here! It’s not in English, but I know what this says!
Shaun: Jeymi, did you cheat on Kris twice?
Kris: Three times!
Jeymi: Once. She looped it three times to tie ribbon around this bullshit package!
Shaun: What’s making you so emotional Kris?
Jeymi: Yes, why are your tears? I was the one sent photos of Kris having sex by her ex!
Kris: I’m not sure where to pivot next, but I feel a court coming on…
Debbie: I’m sure your son is a PATRIOT!
Shaun: I’m sure of something else.
NEXT TIME: Gabe suggests Nicole find an attorney that matches her marriage, Kris lets her rat phone swallow her receipts, Monica turns her back on curly hair, Jen still can’t believe lying about her age doesn’t halt its progression, Yohan has an opinion, which leaves Daniele no choice but divorce, because communication is important.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS! patreon.com/fractalfay

I ran LunekJones' synopsis through ChatGPT — it's known to "hallucinate" and get things not-quite-right, but I find the errors interesting. Somehow it interpreted certain negative comments as positive, then spun them differently in the edit. Maybe because my prompts were about "improving" the text. This is NOT intended as a "fan creation," merely as an aid to the original post. Anyway. Enjoy.
​
INDIANA JONES and the DIAL of DESTINY
Leaked Plot Synopsis
Improved Readability Edit, 5/23/23
by LunekJones and ChatGPT
Original Post
​
PROLOGUE
Lucasfilm. Paramount. Disney — and the castle cross-dissolves into a baleful BAVARIAN SCHLOSS, dark and crenelated, spires piercing a glowering dusk.
We’re in GERMANY, at a particularly rotten moment: 1944 A.D.
Lightning strobes and darkness overtakes us. We endure a tense, silent pause before — KA-BASH!, a door smashes open, center frame, and we careen through the opening into an adjoining cavernous chamber. When our whiplash subsides it dawns on us that we’re now somewhere inside the gothic edifice.
Our POV is certain, deliberate, purposeful — a confident stride toward a most peculiar tableau vivant at the opposite end of this medieval banquet hall. Quick intercuts give half-second glimpses of our patented jackboots, the hilt of our gleaming Luger, our embroidered insignia and shimmering medals — our whole panoply of fear and death. We are brutality incarnate, a grim SS Oberführer — the film’s antagonist? — racing to intercept a cordon of gruff underlings presently barely restraining a quarrelsome Young Nazi.
Off their superior’s subtle look, the lead stalhhelm rips a burlap shroud from the bucking bronco’s face, revealing:
INDIANA JONES,
looking exactly as he should, undoubtedly the final result of the most ambitious de-aging ever dared. It’s even better than Dark Fate’s young Sarah Connor — better than Mando’s Season 3 Luke. It’s like footage from an Indy movie shot in 1995 except you know it can’t be that because IMDb insists no such film exists.
All this while the castle is under heavy fire, a churn of chaos, bellweather of impending Axis defeat.
FAR OUTSIDE, in a fog-wreathed pine forest, BASIL SHAW catches glimpses of the towering fortress through tangles of moss and branch. His beady eyes dart everywhere — he is anxiety made flesh.
INSIDE, the Nazi officer, examining Indy's notes, questions why he was interested in stealing the Lance of Longinus, a prized artifact coveted by Hitler himself, as it was believed to be the lance used in the crucifixion of Christ. At some point, physicist JÜRGEN VOLLER appears, and briefly glances at the Lance before it is taken away, suggesting he notices something significant. The exchange concludes with the officer ordering Indy's removal, triumphantly stating, “To the victor go the spoils.”
Sadly, Basil — a studious Oxonian unsuited for close-quarters combat — is captured by Nazis (and their inevitable hunting dogs) and taken aboard a train leaving the castle, which is now on the brink of total destruction.
Indy finds himself about to be lynched by the bad guys. Fortunately for him, a gravity bomb drops into the room, slowly descending multiple floors before exploding, killing his would-be executioners — but leaving Indy high and dry, hanging by the rope around his neck. Miraculously, he manages to escape. It's an incredibly tense sequence.
On the train, Voller’s words carry no weight. He tries and fails to relate his revelations to the Oberführer. Soon, Basil Shaw finds himself under interrogation by the very same man. Somewhere not far away, Indiana — of course — takes the long road, delivering truly imaginative feats of derring-do along the way, squeezing every drop of value from his tattered Nazi disguise. It’s one thrilling action sequence after another, culminating with one of the sidecars (there are so many sidecars) getting sheared in half. Indy successfully boards the train (I believe this is the first time we catch a stab of the Raiders motif) and starches numberless brownshirts along the way, each felled by the satisfying pulp soundboard Ben Burtt so lovingly gifted us 42 years ago. As he progresses through the interior of the train, enfilade style, car to car, he recovers the Lance of Longinus . . . only to discover it's a replica. He also comes across a multitude of “precious valuables, your highness” and antiquities “recovered” by the AHNENERBE, the same division responsible for questing after the Ark and the Grail, which makes me wonder if the train is this movie’s nod to old rumored “lost Nazi treasure-caches” transported on their much-vaunted railways — like the Amber Room or any number of illusory “gold trains.”
Voller loses his patience and informs the Nazi officer that the Lance is a fake, much to Hitler's forthcoming disappointment. Voller begins discussing the Dial of Destiny and reveals a fragment of it, suggesting it would be of greater interest to Hitler. While his cohorts’ expressions are leaden and unreadable, an obvious glow of interest begins to radiate from Basil Shaw. Right about then Indy manages to locate the train car where Basil is being held captive. Indy routs his captors as Basil drops some very kinetic exposition to Indy about the Dial, and together, they escape to the train's roof. Indy incapacitates Voller with a surprise punch and steals the Dial. On the roof, they witness Allied dive bombers attacking the train, liquefying many aspiring fascists in the process. Just when it seems they are about to escape, the Nazi officer confronts them in a bluish haze. Indy fights him, trying to keep his head attached as the train plows through a chain of hazardous tunnels.
Indy skillfully whips his enemy’s pistol free and tosses it to Basil, signaling him to shoot. In the heat of the moment, Basil accidentally fires at Indy instead. Indy retaliates by throwing the Nazi officer off the roof, brandishing the Dial in the air and reclaiming the rancid officer’s one-liner, “To the victor go the spoils.” Finally, Indy and Basil can take a breath, out of immediate danger . . .
. . . until Voller reappears, armed with a gun, and demands that Indy hand over the Dial. Indy hurls him the bag containing the Dial, giving the impression that Voller is about to escape. But just as Voller seems on the verge of getting away, he is struck by a roadside structure near the tracks—an accidental echo of the tactic young Indy used to evade Fedora in LAST CRUSADE. Indy narrowly avoids the same fate by maneuvering the train through the turns.
While Indy and Basil desperately attempt to signal the Allied planes for rescue, the planes “rapidly disassemble” the bridge ahead by fire and fury, forcing the pair to jump. After they — naturally — emerge scathless, Basil expresses regret that Indy had to surrender the Dial to Voller, but Indy reveals that he only threw him the bag, having never relinquished the genuine article.
The scene concludes with a poignant shot of Indy resting his arm on Basil's shoulder under the bridge as they gaze upon the smoldering trainwreck, the war nearly done, young Tommies raising a victory flag over the spoils.
MANHATTAN, 1969 A.D.
The story swiftly transitions from the 1944 flashback to 1969. The camera roves across what must be Indiana Jones’ dingy New York City apartment, and we catch glimpses of other rooms — all loaded with intriguing easter eggs and art department shenanegans — hi, Sean — before settling on the man himself, out like a light. Notably, there is a black and white photo of Marion on Indy's (lead lined?) fridge from their RAIDERS days . . . not far from their finalized divorce papers.
Indy abruptly wakes up when he hears MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR blasting loudly from a downstairs neighbor’s pad. He shouts at him through the window, but his complaints go unheard as the neighbor is preoccupied with friends, starting up a hippie happening. After a brief shot of Indy shirtless, he puts on an old tee, grabs a bat, heads downstairs with malice aforethought. The beatnik sees Indy as none more significant than his crochety upstairs neighbor and continues party prep, unfazed. Indy expresses his frustration, pointing out that it's early and he has to work. The neighbor is indignant and mocks him, seemingly skeptical that Indy still has a job. He dismissively tells Indy to “f—k off” because it's “space day,” referring to the ticker tape parade for the returning Apollo astronauts.
The scene cuts to Indy preparing coffee in his apartment, “accidentally” spilling something slightly more adult into it. He shields himself from Marion’s judgment, stifling her picture with a fridge magnet. Determined, Indy leaves his place (the Irish street shot from the trailer) and takes the subway alongside a child dressed as a cosmonaut. He arrives at Hunter College — you read that right — where he opens a class on Archimedes. There's a humorous moment when a student expresses interest by exclaiming, "Syracuse?!" — and Indy clarifies he's referring to Syracuse in Sicily, not the local variant. The rest of the students are bored or hungover or both, and nobody participates when Indy tries to engage them — nobody except HELENA SHAW, who brims with Archimedean erudition and general archaeological affinity.
Indy enthusiastically discusses the clever weapons devised by Archimedes during the great siege of Syracuse, which ultimately led to the Greek victory over the Romans. However, the class is interrupted when other students come into the class rolling a TV set to watch the parade. Indy’s heart leaves the room and he follows it. Afterward, Helena discreetly stalks Indy to the professors' corner of the university, where his is assaulted by a surprise “tenth anniversary” party and rewarded for his service with a cheap anniversary clock.
Indy is bemused by the gift, remarking something along the lines of "thanks for burdening me with all these years” (forgive my English, it was some sort of time-related pun, apropos of the plot). As he walks out onto the street, fringed in destitution and “the unhoused,” he unceremoniously offloads the clock to the first beggar he sees.
Seeking solace, Indy enters a bar — we can’t see the full marquee but we absolutely spot the letters “OB” and “AN” — and starts knocking them back. Helena follows his trail, while MASON is secretly following Helena.
In another scene, KLABER (played by Boyd Holbrook) is shown in a New York City hotel room, attempting to learn German from a book. A waiter enters the room looking for Professor Schimdt, mistaking Klaber for him. Klaber points to Voller, who is observing the parade preparations from the window, and sarcastically tells the waiter that the Americans went to the moon thanks to Voller. We also catch a glimpse of the giant man who works for Voller. There is a tense and revealing exchange between Voller and the waiter, as Voller asks about the waiter's origin in a racist manner (due to the waiter being black), and the waiter responds that he is from the Bronx. When Voller inquires if he fought for his country, the waiter reveals that he served in WWII, handling cannons for the Allies. At this point, Voller may express the belief that the Allies didn't win the war, but rather, Hitler lost it. Regardless, it becomes evident that Voller never gave up his Third Reich ideology.
Back in the bar, Helena and Indy engage in a discussion about the Archimedes Dial and Basil Shaw's obsession with it. Helena reveals that she has recently become an archaeologist herself and appears to possess extensive knowledge about the Dial. She confesses that she is searching for it and knows that her father and Indy lost it in a river in the French Alps. Indy, skeptical, repeatedly asks her if she remembers their last encounter when she was a child, but she evades giving a direct answer. He also questions her motive for pursuing the Dial that drove her father to madness, but she tries to persuade him by emphasizing the allure of a great adventure. Indy is cold to her pitch. He also appears shocked to learn of Basil's death, although it remains unclear whether Basil has been deceased for a significant period or not.
Nonetheless Indy reluctantly becomes drawn into their discussion about Archimedes, particularly when the Dial is mentioned again. They decide to return to the university and head to the locked room of antiquities. Inside, Indy opens a drawer and reveals the part of the Dial that was seen in the 1944 flashback. They reiterate that there is a missing piece that is needed to complete the Dial, and Indy mentions that Basil believed the Dial possessed time-related powers. He also discovers old letters from Basil, realizing that his friend had written numerous times about the Dial, although Indy confesses he hadn't read all of them.
It is revealed that Klaber is working with Mason, but their methods seem to diverge. Klaber and his associates break into Indy's personal office, where one of Indy's colleagues, the lady with glasses from the earlier surprise party, questions their actions and grows suspicious. In response, they ruthlessly shoot her on the spot. Another colleague enters the room and meets the same fate, both falling victim to the brutal and menacing nature of the intruders. This egregious act establishes Klaber and his associates as dangerous and threatening villains, though some early-GoT cojones might have been preferable, rather than merely validating our suspicions about which characters are protected by plot armor (more on that later).
Finally, Klaber sneaks into the room where Indy and Helena are still discussing the Dial. Helena realizes the danger and escapes via the roof, while Klaber confronts Indy at gunpoint. As Helena makes her escape, Indy manages to tip over the shelves, trapping the intruders just as Mason discovers the dead professors. Indy stumbles upon his deceased colleague and is visibly shaken, attempting to call the police but getting caught by the villains. The scene ends with a shot of the phone made red by Indy’s bloodied hands.
Helena successfully escapes on the roof while Indy is hustled into a van by Klaber and his fellow CIA operatives. Indy quickly realizes their affiliation. However, as they drive, the driver nearly crashes into a barrier blocking the parade and is forced to turn back. In doing so, they collide with a taxi, causing a commotion. They are then forced to continue on foot. They find themselves amidst a peace protest, and Indy seizes the opportunity to blend in with the crowd. He shouts a peace slogan, snatches a placard, and strikes his kidnappers with it. In response, Klaber fires his gun into the air, scattering the frightened crowd.
Indy spots a police officer nearby, close to his horse, and urgently asks for help. Thinking quickly — shades of Arnie in TRUE LIES — Indy steals the police officer's horse and initiates a chase through the parade. The scene is brief but exhilarating, with CGI head-replacement barely perceptible — a marked improvement over the trailer. The chase transitions into the subway, where Indy narrowly escapes one train and manages to evade another on the opposite track. He arrives at the next station and passes his horse's reins to a woman, drily instructing her to take care of it. Indy casually composes himself and boards the train just as Mason arrives on the scene. To an astonished fellow passenger, Indy remarks, “The subway’s faster.” Native New Yorkers everywhere roll their eyes.
Later, at night, Indy watches a news report in front of a TV store, discovering that he is being framed for the murders of his colleagues. Sallah joins the story here — my memory of exactly how is murky. The scene transitions to Sallah's apartment, where Indy meets Sallah's grandchildren and surprisingly unforced, uncontrived exposition informs us that Indy assisted their family in emigrating to the US during the war. Sallah expresses eternal gratitude for Indy's help.
Sallah then drives Indy to the airport, where Indy plans to travel to Tangiers. He suspects Helena will attempt to sell the Dial at an antiquities auction organized by local mobsters there. Voller knows this too and, in classic fashion, getting there will be a race between good and evil.
At the airport, Sallah regales us with his deep-timbered voice, expressing his wistful longing for the sea, the desert, and adventure, but Indy dismisses those days as long gone. He insists that his current situation is not an adventure and, agonizingly, declines Sallah's offer to help. Here comes the “Give them hell” piece, and an inauspicious beat as Indy is nearly paved by a car. He and Sallah exchange concerned glances.
During the plane ride, Indy takes a moment to enjoy an “adult beverage” and contemplates his reflection in the window. This triggers a flashback to his last encounter with Basil Shaw and Helena as a child. In the flashback, Indy appears younger, unimprovably de-aged to his fifties. He has a tense exchange with Basil in his office, where Basil attempts to destroy a part of the Dial, underscoring how unthinkably dangerous it is. Indy intervenes and saves the piece from destruction. Basil asks Indy to promise to destroy it, and Helena overhears their conversation, revealing that she knew from the beginning that Indy possessed the Dial and had broken his promise to Basil.
As Indy leaves in his car, Helena rushes after him to return his hat. Indy assures her that her father will be okay, despite a burgeoning mental instability neither of them can truly predict. He promises to keep her informed but seemingly fails to fulfill that promise at the cost of Basil’s sanity, leading to Helena's anger and resentment. The flashback ends with Helena gazing at her own reflection as a child during her flight to Morocco.
The scene transitions to the traditional Indiana Jones
MAP SEQUENCE
slightly modernized, delineating Indy's trek to Tangiers. The stage is set for his quest to recover the missing piece of the Dial and confront the consequences of his broken promise to Basil Shaw.
Onboard Voller's plane, Mason informs him that the CIA can no longer allow him to pursue his quest for the Dial. The recent killings of professors at Hunter College by Klaber's men and Voller's abandonment of a meeting with the US president in Los Angeles have prompted this decision. As some CIA members are about to redirect the plane back to the US, Klaber and his men deploy tear gas, overpowering them. Someone, possibly Voller, shoots Mason, resulting in her death. It is a surprising turn of events, as Mason's role appeared to have more significance. Maybe this has cojones after all.
In Tangiers, Indy disguises himself and enters the bar where Helena intends to sell the Dial in the backroom auction. Not long enough later, Voller enters the bar. Indy, Helena, and Voller engage in the trailer’s conversation about capitalism, with Voller seemingly unaware of Indy's identity despite having consulted his CIA file in New York. Intriguing sidebar: Anthony Ingruber is prominently featured as one of the bidders — but, despite cineastic expectations, this particular setup for a surefire Chekov’s gun . . . never delivers, and he is never seen again.
The scene quickly escalates into action as Indy showcases his (100% practical) whip skills and gunshots ring out, as seen in the trailer. The chase for the Dial commences, featuring several twists and a fast-paced sequence. Eventually, Voller obtains the Dial, and Indy and Helena pursue his car. However, they are confronted by Helena's former fiancé, a local mobster who intends to kill her. I want to note that, far from the hyper-progressive martinet anticipated by far-right Twitter, Helena is portrayed as an avaricious gloryhound, a loudly and proudly capitalistic character openly driven by money, having stolen the Dial to resell it to the highest bidder. TEDDY — a pilot in training — comes to their rescue using a tuk-tuk (autorickshaw), sparking off a thrilling chase. Indy, Helena, and Teddy each take turns driving it. Eventually, Voller and his gang reach a helicopter, while Indy's tuk-tuk succumbs to the damage it sustained during the pursuit.
Indy and Helena engage in a spirited debate about their respective roles and usefulness in their quest for the Dial. They mention the need to find an artifact (the name of which escapes me) that holds clues to the location where Archimedes may have hidden the other part of the Dial. Deciphering this artifact requires a Greek code, and interestingly, there are two codes — one that Indy can translate and another that Helena can decipher. They believe the artifact is somewhere in the Aegean Sea, and Indy gains an advantage by revealing that he knows someone with a boat and diving skills. They then meet Antonio Banderas' character, RENALDO, and together they embark on a search for the artifact aboard his boat.
During a poignant nighttime scene on the boat, Helena poses a thought-provoking question to Indy: If the Dial possessed the power of time travel, which historical event would he choose to witness? Indy candidly confesses that he would prevent his son's tragic death in Nam (“he enlisted just to piss me off”) — which ultimately caused immense pain and led to the collapse of his marriage. Helena is deeply moved by his response and finds herself at a loss for words. We are, too.
At some point, possibly during this scene, Indy, while re-reading Basil's letter on the plane, makes a realization. Among Basil's notes, he discovers two dates of significance: 08/20/39, which marked the onset of World War II, and another date, 08/20/39, which is just a few days away. It becomes clear that Basil believed Archimedes, through mathematical calculations, had uncovered the Dial's ability to predict temporal anomalies in the sky. Once deciphered, the Dial could potentially facilitate time travel, allowing individuals to reach specific points in time and jump to different temporal periods.
The next morning, Indy, Renaldo, and Helena prepare for their underwater exploration, aware of the time limit of three minutes below the surface. Tension fills the air as they venture into the depths, searching for the artifact. The scene intensifies when eels emerge from the artifact, causing a momentary fright for Indy, who earlier expressed his unease with snakes to Teddy.
Meanwhile, Voller and his crew arrive in another boat and seize the artifact just as Indy, Helena, and Renaldo emerge from the water. Voller demands that Indy translate the Greek code on the artifact, but Indy refuses. In a chilling display, Voller coldly executes Renaldo in front of Indy as a means of coercion. In response, Helena strikes a deal with Voller, offering to translate the code in exchange for a monetary agreement once they locate the missing part of the Dial.
Indy is disheartened by Helena's actions but soon realizes that she has concealed dynamite, previously obtained from Renaldo’s boat, in her capacious back pocket. As Helena engages Voller in conversation, she cleverly passes Indy a cigarette, enabling him to discreetly light the fuse on the dynamite. While Helena deciphers the riddle and explains its connection to Archimedes' history, stating that the missing part of the Dial is located in the Alexandria Library in Greece, she hurls the dynamite down into the galley, causing a powerful explosion.
Indy, Teddy, and Helena make their escape on Voller’s yacht, but Helena is jubilant about her daring move. More somber than he used to be, Indy solemnly reminds her that they have just lost a friend. As they reflect on their next move, they realize that the artifact was not fully explored. By burning it, they uncover its true form and an encoded message that only Indy can decipher. They decipher the message and discover that their next destination is Sicily, specifically Archimedes' tomb.
Unbeknownst to them, Voller, observing their westward trajectory instead of heading east as planned, deduces their true destination and decides to follow them, determined to retrieve the dial's missing part. He sets his boat in pursuit, unwilling to let them slip away.
The stage is set for a thrilling race against time as Indy, Helena, and Teddy head to Sicily while being relentlessly pursued by Voller and his crew. The stakes are high as they navigate treacherous waters and strive to unlock the mysteries of Archimedes' tomb before their adversaries catch up.
SICILY, 1969 A.D.
Indy takes some necessary supplies for their exploration of the Cave of Dionysos, where they believe the Dial is hidden. In the meantime, Teddy remarks to Helena that she is now under Indiana's command. Helena denies this, asserting her autonomy and intention to sell any valuable artifacts they find during their quest, as Indy had mentioned that the artifact should ultimately be in a museum (very much the character dynamics of Atlantis: The Lost Empire). Teddy, distracted, decides to pilfer money from a teenager to buy gelato but never gets the chance — Voller and his men abduct him.
Indy realizes Teddy's predicament and devises a plan with Helena to use Teddy's knowledge of the artifact to gain access to the Dial, thereby ensuring his safety. They steal a wedding car and rush to the cave, which happens to be a tourist attraction open to the public. Arriving ahead of their pursuers, they decipher the riddle and determine that the Dial is concealed in the part of the cave with the most pronounced echo. Spotting a crescent moon-shaped opening near the cave's ceiling, they begin their ascent. Along the way, Helena taunts Indy about his struggles in climbing, prompting his retort about Kali and being shot nine times. It is revealed that Indy has some visible signs of aging in his knees or legs. When Helena questions his pause, Indy sharply replies, “I’m thinking!”
Alternating shots showcase Indy and Helena navigating through the cave, encountering challenges such as a corridor teeming with insects reminiscent of their previous adventures, including tarantulas. Even Indy displays a degree of trepidation, acknowledging the creepiness of the situation. Meanwhile, Voller and his gang track their footsteps, reminiscent of the Last Crusade's final enigma sequence.
At one point, Teddy, who is handcuffed to a hulking man due to his failed escape attempt, falls into the water when a fragile rope bridge collapses. In a stroke of luck, Teddy manages to steal the key from his captor and escape the water, while the giant meets a tragic end by drowning. This turn of events eliminates the need for Indy to confront the giant, considering his age and physical limitations.
After successfully navigating a wild hydrological booby trap, Indy and Helena enter the chamber where Archimedes' tomb is believed to be concealed. They are taken aback by a mural depicting a futuristic-looking raven with metal claws (Helena: “Pigeon of Archytas?” Indy: “Not very pigeon-like if it is,”), as well as what appears to be early versions of timekeeping devices resembling ancestors of watches. Indy remarks that watches would not be invented for another thousand years after Archimedes' time, highlighting the intriguing nature of the discovery.
They locate the missing part of the Dial within the tomb, but Voller & Co. arrive just as they do. Voller demands that Indy hand over the Dial, and although Indy appears hesitant, Voller threatens to kill Helena, revealing that she is the only family he has left. Reluctantly, Indy surrenders the Dial, and Voller proceeds to assemble it. However, Teddy, who had stealthily made his way into the room, ambushes Klaber. This leads to a scene that permanently puts to rest the question, “Will Disney allow Indy a gun?” — as Indy proves he still knows his way around a pistol. Despite his proficiency, he sustains a gunshot wound in the shoulder (the first hints of reshoot continutiy goofs here, as the on-screen shot very much appears to strike his heart). It is evident that Indy is in excruciating pain, but Helena is determined to save him. Teddy advises her to let Voller take Indy, promising that they will rescue him once they escape.
Voller and his crew transport Indy in a van, intending to reach the airport where Voller plans to fly using a Nazi plane to reach the time fault. Helena and Teddy discreetly pursue them on a stolen bike. As Indy is boarded onto the Nazi plane, Helena instructs Teddy to attempt flying a plane, despite his lack of experience. Meanwhile, she continues her pursuit of the Nazi plane after a thrilling bike chase. Onboard the plane, Indy and Voller engage in a tense exchange ("You should have stayed in NY" - "You should have stayed out of Poland"). Indy questions Voller about his target for assassination, speculating whether it would be Churchill or Roosevelt to alter history and secure Germany's victory. In response, Voller reveals his intention to kill Hitler to prevent Germany from invading Poland and making a significant mistake, arguing that history is a series of wars and that one must be on the side of the victors.
As Indy calculates the coordinates on the Dial for the time fault, they approach dangerously close to the destination with only a few seconds remaining. Indy realizes that Archimedes was unaware of the shifting continents, meaning they cannot be heading to 08/20/1939. In a fit of almost hysterical laughter, Indy casts doubt on Voller's decision. Voller attempts to abort the plan at the last minute, but it is too late, and they are all drawn into the time fault, including Teddy in his plane.
Voller exults in triumph, believing they have arrived in Sicily in 1939, only to discover that they have actually been transported back to
SICILY, 212 B.C.
the Roman siege of Syracuse. The sight of numerous boats, arrows, and catapults astonishes them. In the midst of the chaos, Archimedes, working on completing the Dial, is informed by his assistant that "dragons" have arrived, referring to the two planes. They gaze in astonishment from outside the city walls while the siege is underway.
Klaber fervently sprays all guns at the ships and soldiers; he’s totally snapped, raving about “savages” as he strafes living history into strawberry jam.
On the plane, Helena activates a switch that opens the bomber bay, causing several Nazis to plummet out of the airplane. Despite being attacked by Roman and Greek lances, Indy manages to free himself from his ropes using an arrow seized from the air and encounters Helena. He gives her a parachute while Voller tries to rip it from them but is disarmed. Helena and Indy jump from the plane with the parachute, while Voller and Klaber crash with the aircraft.
Upon landing on the ground, Indy is captivated by the awe-inspiring sight before him, feeling like a little boy witnessing his dream come true. He tells Helena to leave him there and return to Teddy's plane, which landed safely nearby. Just as Helena is about to comply, Archimedes, who has discovered Voller's charred corpse and his intact watch, approaches Indy and Helena. Indy converses with Archimedes in Greek. Archimedes "rigged" the dial to only send them back to Syracuse on the day of the siege, ensuring their ability to save him. It becomes clear that thanks to this temporal jump, Archimedes acquired knowledge about watches and how to complete the dial. The “dragons” make sense of later stories and legends of Archimedes’ impossible “war machines.” It’s a closed, Cameronian (“All my work was based on it”), 12 Monkeys, Arrival-style timeloop.
Helena desperately pleads with Indy to return with her to the present, underlining the dangers of further messing up the timeline. He’s obstinate. “There’s nothing for me there.”
And, so.
What follows will go down as the single most controversial sequence in Indiana Jones franchise history, more divisive even than Nuke the Fridge, as —
In her frustration, Helena simply wills all of her energy into a haymaker punch, which knocks Henry Jones, Jr. unconscious, and the screen fades to black.
In the final scene of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, the last ten minutes of Harrison Ford’s 42-year-long Indiana Jones quintet, Indy awakens in his bed in New York City, mummified by bandages and enshrined by pill bottles. As he rises from bed, he finds Helena and reproaches her for bringing him back to the present when there is nothing for him there. She disagrees, and at that moment, an aged Marion enters the apartment with a bag of groceries, complaining about the empty fridge. Indy is shocked to see Marion and asks why she's back. Marion explains that she was informed he had returned and says, "Well, if INDY has returned.” We hope he has.
Teddy and Sallah arrive, and Teddy goes on again about ice cream. Helena plays the wingman and convinces them to get some outside — to grant Marion and Indy some privacy. As they go, we hear Sallah humming — the song he sang after Marion kissed him in Raiders of the Lost Ark — Gilbert & Sullivan — “I am the Monarch of the Sea, the ruler of the Queen’s Nay-vee . . .”
Indy and Marion talk about pain. He asks her where she hurts — “Everywhere,” she says. And they reenact the boat scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark in reverse. The camera then pans to the apartment balcony, finding Indy's hat drying on a clothesline. The screen irises down into a Tom & Jerry circle on the hat — as if the story ends there. A millisecond before it does, Indy’s hand grabs the lid one last time.
FINITO!